Loss and Hope

Rainbow Connection: 

"Have you been half asleep

And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me."

When I'm sad, hurt, breaking down.....I write. 9 times out of 10, I never share it with anyone. But I've come to realize that hiding these feelings and heartache, not only causes more pain and sadness for myself, but too many other people feel they are alone in their pain and sadness. So when we share how we feel and what we are going through, for me, it takes away the feelings of shame and brokenness. And even though it is incredibly difficult to find the right words to express these mixed emotions right now, I'm going to try. 

Today, Monday April 4th, 2016, we said a final goodbye to what would have been our son or daughter. I had to have a D&C and the hospital blessed our baby which gave me a sense of purpose and acknowledged that it was indeed real and a part of me, which many women struggle with when they have a miscarriage. This was loss #4 for me and it really never gets easier. Only harder. And I asked myself this time, "How many more times can I go through this, both emotionally and physically, before I let go of the hope that I've held onto for so long, that the outcome will be different? 

How do you do that? Let go of Hope? I'm not a quitter. I never really have been and every time I have given in or given up, I have regretted it. So how do you know when it is time to walk away from a dream and possible reality, that you have had for the past 16 years, even after countless people and doctors have told you that it just won't happen for you. I've told myself, I've seen miracles happen for so many other people. So I have to have faith and hope that this miracle will happen for me too, right? But when? And how do I cope with these continual feelings of sadness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt and anger. I know without a shadow of a doubt that we both would be great parents. And I don't say that lightly. It absolutely breaks my heart when I watch Gary play with and care about other people's children. I feel like I'm robbing him of something that he has always wanted. He knew the likelihood of us having a kids was pretty slim when we started dating and he loved me anyway and for that I am so very grateful. But it still doesn't compensate for the guilt I have over not being able to provide that blessing to our family. 

I have to say though, even as I battle my own feelings of sadness, I do have so much joy for my friends and family who do have children. I love my nieces and nephews so much that it makes my heart hurt. And I truly feel blessed to have so many children around us who bring us joy in other ways. 

But what does hurt are the comments that people make when I do share our struggle. While most people mean well, I just wish people had more empathy and if you don't know what to say.....just say I'm sorry for your struggle or loss. That's it. That goes a long way. Or I'm here if you need to talk.  Saying things like, "Oh take my kids, after spending the day with them you won't want any of your own!" (Right.....because that isn't hurtful & ignorant to say)  or

"Oh you should just adopt! (Right, because it has never crossed my mind and I have $40k sitting around and a few years to wait for it to possibly never happen) or

"What's meant to be will be" (Right....so I guess it's just "meant to be" that I'm not a parent. Like it is a punishment). Or....

"Oh you can just try again..half the fun is in the trying!" (No, actually it's not fun when you go through fertility treatments. And only people who have been through it, understand the insanity and turmoil of it all) 

And my favorite....."Oh I get it....it took us 3 months before we got pregnant". (Ummmm no. Just no. You don't get it. Because for me, it's been over 10 years. And that is a LONG time to struggle. 

Having gotten my anger out of the way...I don't want pity. And I can honestly say that even though people I know have all said those statements to me multiple times by multiple people, the majority of my friends and loved ones, have been an invaluable support system. Since I saw the positive test come up this time , so soon after my 3rd loss in early January,  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. But I never got excited. Most people who know me well, know that I have a very unique intuitiveness when it comes to medical things about myself and others. And somewhere, deep down I always knew this wasn't going to have a positive outcome, even though I really wanted to be wrong. Seeing that little heartbeat on the ultrasounds gave me a glimmer of hope that I was wrong. But having the doctor tell me that I would lose this one too was crushing. And waiting it out for 3.5 more weeks for that tiny heartbeat to either continue to get stronger or to wait for it to stop was truly unbearable while I tried to go on living my life like everything was going to be ok, when deep down I knew it wouldn't be. 

I grieved the best I could. I will continue to do so for some time. I've cried countless tears that no one has seen. I've fought through the range of emotions and somehow, I know I will be ok. 

If we never have children of our own or any children at all, I do know we will be ok. And we will have joy and love in our lives. I may not say it or show it enough, but I give Gary so much credit for going through this with me. Sometimes we both don't always handle our emotions the best we can and take out our hurt and frustrations on each other, but at the end of the day, we know we love each other and deal with this in different ways. 

Lastly, I'm sharing this not because I want sympathy and pity. Because I really don't. I'm sharing this because I know that there are sooo many women out there who have felt the same way and feel they can't discuss it or feel like they are alone. Even though all of our stories are different, our hearts share the same pain and sadness. And in some way, knowing there are others out there who have come through it on the other side by either being blessed with their rainbow baby or just by helping someone else feel not so alone, that is huge. 

So I leave you with a song that has a very special meaning to me. I cry every time I hear it, because I will still hold onto the hope that we will have our Rainbow baby somehow, some way, some day. 

Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows?
And what's on the other side
Rainbows have visions
And only illusions
Rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who says that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on a morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star-gazing?

And what do you think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

All of us under it's spell
We know that it's probably magic

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

 http://youtu.be/VwyjIOY-vgs